How To Dance Forever

 Took a couple weeks break from discord and did some life management to figure out why I wasn't accomplishing any tasks or goals.   Realized that one of the big problems was distractibility, lack of concentration, poor motivation, and low energy.  First thing I did was shave off discord cause I noticed how much I mindlessly use it without actually getting much done. The obessive channel checking, chat checking, no good cooks were being dropped anyway, and i had others slotting gpus for me so I said fuck it school is way more important so are my finances, my car, and getting a job.  I kept focusing on what i DONT want to do, but it wasn't helping. I wanted to focus on how to get myself to do the things i WANT to do.  I also noticed that my setup in the office was counterproductive having a big PC capable of gaming, and all this gaming gear, my microphone setup, fancy lights, etc. When I went into my office my brain didn't know what to do: are we working on school? making mus

  I made a bad habit of using the computer to escape feelings of shame and social rejection when actually I should have been doing the opposite and putting myself in more social environments that make me feel better.  Not sure the follow up thoughts I had to this. But something I noticed during moments of intense rumination or shame thoughts was this want to internet binge and numb myself from the feeling. Its not real.  The feeling is just a feeling. Everyone doesn't hate you. You aren't the loser of the year. People aren't thinking about your failures as much as you. The emotion is not proportional to the fact. It's an invalid emotion.  Opposite action would be going places and doing things that are the opposite of turning in and staying online.  The DBT skill says do something fully opposite. The gym isn't fully opposite. Dance class is. The club is. The gym, once I get used to it, still doesn't enable me to be as artistic and social as I want. There's mo

Recently got an office but things aren't totally going how I want them to. Theft, roaches, noise, heat, and other problems. I originally got this as a transition to my own place or next step, to have a place away from home to do the work I needed to do like reselling, schoolwork, doing my taxes, and finding a job.  Yet the noise level here makes it hard to get stuff done during the day, I can't really do a lot of talking or creative work without disturbing others, there's no common areas, and I dont feel safe with my expensive stuff here.  I was thinking of moving my setup back home and just keeping my laptop/monitors here.   The positive, though, is that I can't really game at home like that, so I'm less likely to be up all night gaming. Having all that here requires me to get up and leave. Yet I also found I would still stay up sometimes, just at the office instead of home.  It seems like theres three things I really like doing with PCs: work, gaming, and creating

 Went a long time without eating this morning. I got up, took a hit, made a lil coffee, and a protein drink, and left. Forgot the oatmeal I packed.   Morning went fine. I can usually tell that my irritability is going to be higher than normal when I dont eat so I avoid situations where I could get triggered and by aggravation will skyrocket out of control. I was safe in my office.   But about 6-7 hours in I got extremely angry.   I had spent 3 hours on this quiz, with 2 problems taking 90% of my test time. I was really putting in my best effort to figure out what I was doing wrong but it just wasnt clicking.  Flashbacks to spending hours alone studying stats just to fails Flashback to the hours and hours I spent on my math classes and tests just to fail Flashback to third grade where I was falling behind in class and no one wnated to help me Flashback to third grade when a fast-paced teacher wasn't willing to teach me after I was out of school due to my hip surgers Flashback to fou

Time: 12:41 5/1/2021 Been off my medication for what seems like a month now.  At first there was this rush of getting my personality back when I was on the first stack. Then after a number of episodes, some of them involving quite traumatic events, I started to calm down.   The magic wore off and I was sort of feeling similar to how I felt before, in between states of tired and or irritated. I think lack of exercise could be playing a big role. I still a tight throat going up a flight of stairs.   I also have been a lot more stressed out due to factors in my environment and in my life. Some of the fights, arguments, etc I got into created stress so bad it effected my energly level for awhile.   With all that said I've had various breakthoughs cognitively that have changed my view on my life and the world. However i feel like i need to calm myself down, and maybe more often than most people.  I'm noticing how much trauma is playing a role in my behavior. I'm using tools like

Time: Midnight at end of day Place: Shitty apartment room Sensations: Tight neck from hours of laptop use, heaviness in forehead, feeling of not having enough water in my stomach, like when you wake up dehydrated, heavy eyes when i have bad thoughts Emotional State: Slightly high but still have my foot in angry/violent thoughts. I'm self aware but I want to feed in it because I feel vindicated in what I'm angry about. I should snap out of it but I have a feeling of loneliness and depression when I try to think elsewhere. I should get up and shock myself with a temeprature change and eat.    I was cycling through upsetting thoughts. Somehow thought about sex, dating, loneliness, then about sex work and how I can't find a provider who will see me in spite of my race. 99% have "no AA" in their ads or stop talking when i say my race or send picture.  This triggered an anger reponse and I got on reddit to vent-post talking about my experiences with being discriminated