January 2022 pre-update

 Writing this to think through some stuff on my mind.

Reselling was good and I was a lot more efficient with it this year although I had sold fewer products. This time around I was working with a fulltime college schedule so there's that.  

I need to figure out if I really want to remain a psychology major. 

Inside my heart I want to go full-out into my art and never fulyl leave art world again. I would have rather been in art school, but I also have a personal love for knowledge, and a respect for academia in the sense that a rigorous course of information and being forced to think different has helped me grow as a person multiple times. This was especially true with philosophy and communications. 

But that's not the point. I feel its my destiny to be a famous entertainer. I'm confident I have the ability. I didn't have this confidence before, but I do now, now that I have applied myself in so many various fields and have recognized my weaknesses. I realize that being mentally rigid is sabotaging when an otherwise flexible mind can problem-solve and deal with obstacles. Dance.  

Funny how that word stopped me in my tracks and filled me with tons of feelings.  

I really wish I could just be in new york right now doing a ballet class with the skyline in the windows. 

I really wish I danced more or went back to new york.  

But I also didn't have the knowledge I know now in order to take care of myself. I truly was at a whole different place and was a whole different person. Me in 2009 wasn't even my best self though, I was just good at dancing, but drinking and gaming and porn and weed caught up to me HARD. It was affecting my sex game a lot which lead to a ton of sexual frustration, especially being that ppl thought i was gay. Then that lead to angry/destructive behavior, especially with my environment getting bad.....I can go into it forever. The point is that for a system of reasons I stopped dancing and it was very hard to get back into. It was never totally impossible though, Ill take responsibility for that. I had opportunities I could have taken advantage of. I can think about it forever, but it's best to learn from my mistakes and focus on now. If anything is consistent is that this whole time I was constantly looking back.  

Looking forward, I want to be an artist again. I want to know that every day I am getting better at my creative craft, and that by doing so I'm able to tell my stories, and spread my message. I don't want to see myself in 5 years with money but never having done anything with my artistic skill. 

I'm also 33 now and it really is a real gap between the 19-24 year olds at CSUN. Actually, there's a mix of ages, even though most of them are younger, there's still older too. TImes are weird though. 

I don't know if I'm trying to chase this late college fantasy of being an active student and banging tons of chicks or partying. At this point I'd rather mainly engage myself seriously in programs I can improve myself with and less of the social stuff. Like I want to make sure I take advantage of music stuff at CSUN as much as I can, along with business resources. 

Maybe I could try to remove an obstacle. Money was always one. Another obstacle is weed. 

It's crazy to think about, but I think a lot of my dance, quitting dance, having anger problems, smoking weed, etc is directly linked to my sex life and/or lack thereof. I feel like if I had a healthy sex life and didn't smoke weed, I would have leaned towards a more social and active lifestyle. But now that porn, weed, and escapism became the replacement for.... socialize, work, and dance. 

Maybe I should go back through my writings when I was younger and in love with dance still. 

With all this dance talk, I still want to make music. Music is to me like a new city, Music Mountain, a new plot of land I can build on and bring all my stuff from Dance City with me. It feels like another chance, another shot at fame. And if I don't do the best in music now I have this skill and hobby I can use forever, and have it compliment my next act after, which will probably be comedy.  

I need to know what resources I have available to get better at music. I have a limited amount of time each day and I want to position myself for success in entertainment. School may be a deterrent to that but perhaps if I play my cards right I can get my bachelors and still blow up musically. 

I really wanna have friends and feel loved again. I want to get rid of obstacles and deterrents that limit me from being more open hearted, loving, inviting, etc...that limit me from going places or inviting people over.   

But still I need to actionably move toward music. I know the answer.

Talk to music counselor to see what my option are in taking music classes as psychology major, or what my option are if I choose to switch majors, learn about their program. Talk to Psych counselor ask if i can pause school maybe cause of covid? I wouldnt mind waiting another year. I dont really see myself using the student gym and being on campus that much being so much older. I'll be around now and then but we'll see. 

Yeah. I'm gonna have balls. I'm gonna see what option I have considering learning music at CSUN. I might even switch majors.