Day 5 and Backtracking

Time: Midnight at end of day
Place: Shitty apartment room
Sensations: Tight neck from hours of laptop use, heaviness in forehead, feeling of not having enough water in my stomach, like when you wake up dehydrated, heavy eyes when i have bad thoughts

Emotional State: Slightly high but still have my foot in angry/violent thoughts. I'm self aware but I want to feed in it because I feel vindicated in what I'm angry about. I should snap out of it but I have a feeling of loneliness and depression when I try to think elsewhere. I should get up and shock myself with a temeprature change and eat.  

 I was cycling through upsetting thoughts. Somehow thought about sex, dating, loneliness, then about sex work and how I can't find a provider who will see me in spite of my race. 99% have "no AA" in their ads or stop talking when i say my race or send picture.  This triggered an anger reponse and I got on reddit to vent-post talking about my experiences with being discriminated by providers and not getting anywhere. Then I vent-texted a street girl i picked up a year ago who said she doesn't see black guys but i was different.   

I wasn't completely lost in the anger though, but it felt like a passion i needed to get out. An urge. And being alone in my room without social plans or outlets I fed into it more. Then it got worse into self-hate and hating-the-world thoughts, suicidal visions, terrorist fantasies, thoughts going all kind of places. Made a angry phone call to a hospital where I still have traumatic memories of seeing my mom suffer in pain while the nurses didnt give a shit. Reading articles about how over 65% of medical doctors in the US admit to giving black people less pain medication out of assumption "they can take it" better, and found that white patients are given more pain medication even when reporting the same levels of pain. The memory was very traumatic and still haunts me today, and I had very violent and destructive thoughts that come back as a response to that trauma.  

It made me feel powerless in the wrong. Like I'm subject to other people will. And thats how I still feel. Theres no escape from this. We are forever hated in this society. Refugees stuck behind enemy lines with no place to call home. It makes me want to destroy this world and everyone in it. 

Then I went and wrote a yelp review mentioning the names of nurses and doctors of an ER I go to sometimes. One was the doctors who mocked me and laughed at the George Floyd protest when I was there that weekend. And an Asian doctor who didnt give me anesthisia for my ingrown toenail removal. That's why I'm glad these racist Asians are being targeted by hate crimes right now, fuck them, they've been racist as fuck my whole life.  

I shouldn't review the thought patterns cause I'm getting worse writing about it. 

Actually now I kinda remember the trigger though.t   

I'm about to exit a friendship with someone who was a huge influence in my life that has been there for me for many years. I've known her since I was 16 and I'm 32 now and she was a big rolemodel.  

But there is someone in our community that has caused me certain emotional and mental injuries I have not recovered from. He is a CEO of a company I worked for who was oriiginally a friend of the group but things went very, very, bad. So bad that punching myself became a weekly habit, that I no longer beleive in my ability to get a job that pays me enough to support myself. Since then I have thrown my life away cause fuck it I'm just a dumb scum nigger with a mental problem what the fuck am I gonna do right in this world. 

I had a conversation I have been angrily waiting 6 years to have, and I am very disappointed how it went.  

While I wasn't upset in the moment, the situation has bounced around in my head, and I realized that I didn't get to say what I wanted to say, that there was no apology made, and that yet again the white guy controls what i as the dumb retard nigger with no life get to say. 

So I realize I don't want to be around people who make me feel less than I am. I need to create my own community. Open my own lane. Build my own house. Make my own new friends and connections. Or so I hope...

And I'm internally conflicted because I made a long investment in this friendship, her kids, her dog....but every time I see this guy I immediately stop enjoying myself and I go back to 2015 and all the shit I dealt with at his company and how much it fucked with me after, and the trauma from the hospital seeing my mom suffer just a few weeks before starting that job. Knowing if my Mom was rich and white like HIS parents that would have never happened to her.  

So what the fuck does this asshole know about life when he was a rich white kid that was always in leadership positions with control over lots of wealth. And thats when it hit me.  

The wealth gap. The race gap. The generation gap.  

Too out of touch to even realize his offenses due to his world of being treated like a king everywhere he goes. In fact I wanna text him right now and cuss him out for disrespecting my mother and I on thanksgiving. I'm also aware that I'm not stable and may be acting irrational.  

Thats the problem I have. When are my actions legitimate or not. So is it ok to group text this guy at 1:30 am about how im pissed that he talked to my mom about little boys getting fucked in the ass? \

In fact the idea that someone might be reading this is giving me cause to delay sending this text that I know is going to cause destruction in the relationship. I know I'm not going to hear any reply I like and I know I will use it as an excuse to be more desttructive and express more anger. I know at a certain point the horse will be out the gate and ill burn these bridges until theres nothing left. There's a feeling off having gone too far that you cant turn back, but sometimes that feeling kicks in sooner than the point of no return. Its a slippery slope.  

I also know the insanity of my behavior and want to deliberately text in a way that unsettles and disturbs people because its an expression of how I feel. The respectful lunchtime convo didn't work, but inside of me I want power and control of the situation.  

Lastly, my thoughts around this situation were much different when I was staying in a hotel for a week. My anger spikes here at my apartment more than it does anywhere else. If you put me in a nice environment these thoughts quickly come and go, probably because I'm a space where I feel happier.  

But once again I'm stuck in the loser factor like I've been for the last 15 years, with no windows or views of the world my ambitions shut down, my traumas come back, the tape recorder in my head repeats, and anger becomes my escape. 

I'll take a melatonin and smoke some more and eat now. 

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Minimal log:

Woke up on floor

Angry in morning

Had oatmeal, butter, blueberry, did pullups immediately felt better

had rest of supplements

felt good through most of the day no problems even tho i was at home

i was physically energetic all morning and day until i was cooking at 4pm

crashed hard barely able to stay awake after eating

once again that feeling of too tired to move, cant get water 

laid down irritated, eventually found energy to get up and get water and bcaas

took vitamin b

did some random shit and multitasked on pc and wrote this

in a bad mood but open to changing it

concerned about likeliness to send destructive text later

about to take melatonin and sleep, need ot have ACV too