update

Time: 12:41
5/1/2021

Been off my medication for what seems like a month now. 

At first there was this rush of getting my personality back when I was on the first stack. Then after a number of episodes, some of them involving quite traumatic events, I started to calm down.  

The magic wore off and I was sort of feeling similar to how I felt before, in between states of tired and or irritated. I think lack of exercise could be playing a big role. I still a tight throat going up a flight of stairs.  

I also have been a lot more stressed out due to factors in my environment and in my life. Some of the fights, arguments, etc I got into created stress so bad it effected my energly level for awhile.  

With all that said I've had various breakthoughs cognitively that have changed my view on my life and the world. However i feel like i need to calm myself down, and maybe more often than most people. 

I'm noticing how much trauma is playing a role in my behavior. I'm using tools like talking to my younger/older self, reminding myself the trauma is no longer happening, I even got myself to look at DBT skills again. A google talk about visualizing my future self has also been helpful. 

Food is still a pivotal part on how I feel during the day. I can feel if I'm nutrient deficient even if I eat a lot of empty food. I need to make sure I get pleny of rich fod tomorrow. 

Last few days I generally have been calmer than usual. I still have outbreaks but they are fewer. I loudly yelled FUCK at the office a number of times today after seeing my credit score fell from 780 to 640 in the last 6 months 

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