Constantly Aggravated

 Went a long time without eating this morning. I got up, took a hit, made a lil coffee, and a protein drink, and left. Forgot the oatmeal I packed.  

Morning went fine. I can usually tell that my irritability is going to be higher than normal when I dont eat so I avoid situations where I could get triggered and by aggravation will skyrocket out of control. I was safe in my office.  

But about 6-7 hours in I got extremely angry.  

I had spent 3 hours on this quiz, with 2 problems taking 90% of my test time. I was really putting in my best effort to figure out what I was doing wrong but it just wasnt clicking. 

Flashbacks to spending hours alone studying stats just to fails
Flashback to the hours and hours I spent on my math classes and tests just to fail
Flashback to third grade where I was falling behind in class and no one wnated to help me
Flashback to third grade when a fast-paced teacher wasn't willing to teach me after I was out of school due to my hip surgers
Flashback to fourth grade when the teachers never let me attend science club because I was late and didn't do my homework
Flashback to trying to do my homework on a urine-soaked floor while my mom smoked cigarettes TV bingeing
Flashback to constantly being held back in elementary and middle school because I didn't do my homework
Flashback to racist teachers refusing to help me with math, or flat our assuming I was too stupid to understand and putting me in the "slow" groups 

Flashback to not being able to fit in with the asian and mexican kids whose parents helped them with their homework, made them food, took them to school and dropped them off, and were actually involved in their kids life unlike my mom who had to work all the time and I rarely saw her, growing up on TV dinners with no one helping me with homework or giving a shit about my schooling, 

Flashback to going to a continuation school for at risk kids and all the students wondering why I was there because I was smart, little did they know how much teachers and faculty hated me for being poor, full of trauma, and from an unstable household.

Flashback to teachers treating students like shit who werent from happy balanced stable homes.  

Flashback to being constantly punished, called "bad" "defiant" "delinquient" "lazy" "a fuckup" and other dehumanizing names by teachers and faculty. 

I cant take it anymore so I break it all. I'm 32 and can't even Ace all my classes. I can't even finish a book cause my brain gets so scattered. And I hate myself even more that I procrastinate and never have had an social support in life just me and my fuckup self.  I hate my life and now mass killing fantasies come in my mind to distract myself from these feelings that I constantly have in my isolation.   

Trying to feel better now. Had food when I got home. I called my Mom ahead of time and told her I was unstable and needed to eat before socializing. I asked her to bring food down to my car. If I ate I probably would have never broke all that stuff in my office. 

I'm very fucked up by my experiences in school. Honestly the gang violence isnt as bad as the way teachers dehumanized and mistreated me, and not as bad as my so called "peers" and "Friends" that robbed me or found ways to fuck me over. I can still remember the social rejection I experienced in middle school and high school like it happened yesterday. The sight, smell, sound, the moments are vivid. A lot of people have a family member or someone they can talk to at the end of the day but I dont have anyone.   

Going to stop writing cause I'm just writing myself into a bad mood. I really wish I had more friends or a life. I don't know how to throw myself into an interest anymore, I'm too used to being alone on my PC. I want to dance, make music, have friends, but my lifestyle is so far from that now I don't know how to access it again. 

Maybe net time I write I'll try to be more positive.