Shame and ISolation

  I made a bad habit of using the computer to escape feelings of shame and social rejection when actually I should have been doing the opposite and putting myself in more social environments that make me feel better. 

Not sure the follow up thoughts I had to this. But something I noticed during moments of intense rumination or shame thoughts was this want to internet binge and numb myself from the feeling.

Its not real. 

The feeling is just a feeling. Everyone doesn't hate you. You aren't the loser of the year. People aren't thinking about your failures as much as you.

The emotion is not proportional to the fact. It's an invalid emotion. 

Opposite action would be going places and doing things that are the opposite of turning in and staying online. 

The DBT skill says do something fully opposite. The gym isn't fully opposite. Dance class is. The club is. The gym, once I get used to it, still doesn't enable me to be as artistic and social as I want. There's moments of opposite-ness, but its not full opposite action.

I think that i should focus more on returning to dance class than returning to the gym.
I should focus more on returning to my music journey, than hustling bullshit. 

I'm also second doubting my college degree. I could use the time getting a job and devoting all my free time into what I really want to do until it becomes a source of income. In fact I think its what I really need. I won't lose. 

stuff to write about later:

black violence stats and how race denier misinterpret them, and the qualitative data of racial prejudice

who defines internet culture...racist white kids and their asian firends?? 

being black on the internet

having a hard time finding mentorship i relate to... ghetto black but grew up mixed... traumatic households in single parent ghetto  

culture of people thinking its ok to publically film people "right to have a bad day" and be their own personal slander reporter

the continued culture of child hitting, and fetishization of violet black parenting 

toxic masculinity speech

qanon and misinformation speech